I have played more laughed more and shifted more into who I am and who I have wanted to be in the last 6 months than any other time in my life…

18 months ago I left a long marriage… I had a short relationship afterwards that was meaningful and helped me see myself… I see that my own voice and instinct are key to my happiness… I have learned that love has many forms and there is a stage and place for all of them…

I have grown into knowing where my guidance comes from and that Nature is my only Guru… I realize that I don’t need to be validated by others in order to feel good about myself…  I am more present…The irony is that this awareness has always been in me and yet as the layers of self-understanding are revealed I see I have been just shy of living honestly as myself…

Who I am becoming is authentic… I am not always balanced, without old patterns, or following my inner voice completely but the percentage of time that I do I feel grounded and grateful.

I know without a doubt that the journey has no end game and that the only thing to be relied upon is truth…. How can I find it, live it and feel it within me daily? It is coming through how I live my life.

I am in love and consequently I am falling in love with my life… I am at ease in my skin… I have become playful and free… More than anything my freedom is the biggest gift my lover has unveiled in me… I always knew it was something I longed for but I never knew what it felt like… It seems that my old life patterns of how I was as a woman, a mother and an intimate partner have been undone… I am no longer the result of expectations, beliefs in the way things should be, unfulfilled dreams or funky genetics. It is not that I have no more work to do or that I am given license to not pay attention… it is that I am no longer ruled by what is not congruent with my sense of self any longer.

There is no question that I have found a partner, a lover and a playmate to grow with…  He sees me and I him… He is an extraordinary human being whom I am honored to know. I don’t need or want to change him and he never tries to change me… still we are inspired to be better for one another and more importantly for ourselves.

I have always heard that when you love someone that you want to be a better person because of him/her. For me this means that I want to be a better me and yet HE inspires me to show up and do it. With him I see that the journey of awareness is not a lonely one.  We are simply sharing our path with one another while being true to ourselves…

I have played the martyr in the past and though I never wanted to be one it was my habit and my upbringing… the most troubled in my family got the most attention… I just pretended I was okay with the pain… I mirrored that behavior for many years. Now I am watching this pattern of “poor me” fall away. Nothing about being needy interests me nor my boyfriend at all. We don’t support or acknowledge much that doesn’t serve our individual authenticity. We are in fact healthy together.

The best part is we have fun… REAL FUN! …  When I say we laugh… I mean it… everyday we laugh so hard that I can feel years of tension and age drop from my whole being.  We play hide and seek… We sing songs loudly and out of tune… We speak gibberish and do cartwheels in the sand. We dance like rappers, sexy disco singers and four year olds… all the while we laugh like there is nothing more important than just that… we laugh that we laugh and we sometimes wonder why we have so much fun… A child laughs over 300 hundred times a day and the average adult laughs less than 15… this is hugely responsible for how I am more alive today than ever before. I choose to laugh… play… love and be childlike… I am grateful that I can share it with someone as silly as me…

I love being in love and I cherish that everyday it deepens…. I adore feeling his love for me too. We are alike in so many ways and different in all the right ones…. I think we show our love through playing the most. Yet sometimes there is long unbroken silences that speak volumes to how we feel about each other.

Everyday is a day to choose how I live…in fun… in laughter… in connection to my teachers …nature, my man, my daughters and friends and of course myself.

journal