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Archive for the ‘journal’ Category

America and its Food Dilemma

May 9th, 2009

I have just written a new blog for Anderson Cooper’s AC360 on CNN.com entitled America and its Food Dilemma. I’ve included an excerpt below, and you can click on the link to continue reading. Check out the article comments section on CNN.com and join in on the conversation, there have been some really interesting comments posted so far…

Mariel Hemingway
Author, “Mariel’s Kitchen

Let’s be honest with ourselves: America has a weight problem.

Before I go any further, let me say: Weight problems and ensuing poor health are, in part, due to circumstances early on in our lives, a lack of exercise and the fast-paced society in which we live.

I am not saying weight problems are simple and can be explained in a few sentences. But I can say for sure that our society attaches value to speed and convenience – a combination detrimental to our connection with food, nature, ritual and health.

Continue reading

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New Book, New Promo Video!

April 6th, 2009

Healthy Living Cover Story

March 24th, 2009

Check out the latest issue of Healthy Living. My soon-to-be-available Blisscuits are highlighted! Here is a link to the web version.

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Publisher's Weekly Review My New Book

March 18th, 2009

Publisher’s Weekly has just added a review of my new book,

“Mariel’s Kitchen: Simple Ingredients for a Delicious and Satisfying Life”

I have posted the full review below.

PRE-ORDERS: For those interested in pre-ordering my new book, you can do so online now from either Amazon or Barnes and Noble (or your favorite neighborhood bookstore).

It will be available in book stores everywhere starting May 5th!

Lot’s of fun stuff coming up to celebrate the release including an appearance on the Today Show on May 11th as well as other dates that I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated of here on my blog.

Mariel’s Kitchen: Simple Ingredients for a Delicious and Satisfying Life Mariel Hemingway. HarperOne, $32.99 (288 pages)

Actress and model Hemingway shares her secrets for cooking nutritious and appetizing food in this lavishly photographed book. She focuses on seasonal foods, organizing the book by what’s fresh at each time of year. For each season, she provides simple and comfortable breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and snack dishes, suited for busy lifestyles. Recipes share common ingredients to make preparation fast and don’t require extensive shopping. Often core recipes feature in other meals. Spinach pancakes are used instead of pasta in spinach and mushroom lasagna. Vegetables and fruit are the centerpieces of her dishes. Highlights include roasted bell pepper tapenade; ricotta “No Bread” pudding with blueberries; tomato, tarragon and a mostly egg white frittata; and portobello mushrooms with spinach and goat cheese. Poultry and fish are featured in such dishes as oven “Fried” chicken; seasoned wild salmon with minted mango salsa; and black cod with snow peas. Hemingway proves that healthy food can be enticing, and her dishes will appeal to even the least health-conscious among us. (May)

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Charitybuzz charity auction!

March 17th, 2009

Hi everyone! I am pleased to announce that I am participating in a charity auction in support of Farm Sanctuary. The auction is being held in conjunction with Charity Buzz. Please visit the Charity Buzz website for more details on how the auction works and I look forward to the chance of having High Tea with you!

From the Charity Buzz website…

“Enjoy afternoon tea at a private residence in LA with actor and now-noted author and lifestyle expert, Mariel Hemingway. You will enjoy her fresh baked homemade “Blissquit” cookies and learn more about her approach to wellness and tips from her brand new book.”

Read more…

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My Twitter Cloud!

March 14th, 2009

Check out the below image, it is a word cloud generated from the biographies of my friends on twitter.

the more often a word is found in their bios, the larger that word is in the cloud…

pretty COOL!

If you’re like me and you like to tweet , make your own word cloud using twittersheep!

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Twittering

March 6th, 2009

My new found friend or obsession? I think both. I am a woman who calls herself calm, peaceful, and aware (at least trying to be), one who turns technology off at least once a week to bring peace of mind and a connection to myself. Yet each day everyday, many times a day, I turn my phone or computer on to see what the world of twitterers are up to and to share what I am currently doing with everyone who might be following me.

Since joining exactly one month ago today I have kept my twitter going day and night. In fact when I first began I embarrassingly checked it in the middle of the night, (the only reason I ever have my cell on at night is so that my daughters can call me in an emergency), but like a little girl on Xmas eve I checked my twitter page a few sleepless times to see if anyone had replied to me or if I had any new followers, it was like waiting for Santa to fill the stockings. I was OBSESSED for a few torturous 24 hour cycles. I actually dreamed of tweets and what I might say. That phase has passed.

What I have observed is that there are those that say profound things, those that constantly self promote, and those that chronicle every move they make: “ yum popcorn” “the kids tracked mud in the house” “ I hate this traffic” or in John Mayer’s case “I just pooped”, which I’m sure he said as a joke… Some tweets are so obscure that they have followers in the 100s of thousands and I have yet to be able to figure out what they talk about which I think is their point.

It is especially intriguing when a celebrity gives the impression that they are telling you everything. For instance Ashton and Demi make you feel like you are having dinner with them and are right there at their Academy award party.  Demi showed us her dress and gorgeous jewelry via twitpic. I think Ashton showed the table centerpiece and someone’s Oscar (Penelope’s I think) as Demi tweeted that she would have lunch with her the following day… woo hoo we know what everyone cool is up to.

I realize I am a celebrity but I am not a high rolling super fabulous party going celeb… I keep to myself. I cook and eat by myself often because I love to… I spend hours in silence, well, until twitter came into my life. So even though we feel we are right there with our icon, are they really telling us the whole story? I don’t think so, but there is a place of intimacy where you reveal just enough to include everyone in your journey to some extent.

I love to use Demi and Ashton as examples because they are so genuinely sweet with one another. Ashton claims his love for Demi and also tells her “honey you can say that directly to me I am right across the table from you.” It makes you laugh and feel oh so close to them. Sometimes you want to reply and in my case although I know them, not well enough to get into a dialogue, so I just watch like all the rest. And trust me, they have a small country of followers. I must admit I had a moment of twitter follower jealousy…I have a growing 1300 followers, which I think is pretty WOW…they both have some 200 thousand people checking out their every move. It is a bit daunting. But hey Ashton is a hot young hugely successful Actor and he’s married to a, not that young  (she is basically my age) but looks amazing, woman who is hotter and more successful than anyone her age so it kinda makes sense. I laughed and got over it!

Newly separated I like the sense of feeling like there are others around who are inquiring and interested in their surroundings. I love my fellow environmentalists and healthy eaters, and peace seekers… they speak my language. But most everyone I follow interests me.

Not to mention if you need help with anything at all, just tweet the question and get an answer from many in seconds. I got help on twittering from Howard Kurtz from CNN and I made someone from the NY times laugh at my not knowing what a particular twitter action was. I can’t say it now as I think it is pornographic (and I am too embarrassed to ask again). Regardless of what is shared it feels like everybody is on your team.

I don’t know where my twitter experience will take me though I know it is not going away too soon. I may have to find a day a week where I turn my technology off again. (Maybe I can tweet when I wake up and check it just once before I go to sleep that day). I originally thought it was a place to help get people to notice that I am still alive and working in the world and that I have a cookbook – Mariel’s Kitchen – coming out in May…(yes that was a shameless plug…) but I feel it has become something much more than a place to self promote in fact I feel it is a place where you become part of a community that you might not otherwise feel connected to, and that feels good. So this self-proclaimed peace seeker is connecting to a bigger busier world by coming close to those around her through twittering.

twitter.com/marielhemingway

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Daughters, Sisters, Mothers…Love

February 12th, 2009

I have two daughters and I come from a family of three daughters… I am one of three sisters. It is an interesting dynamic and cause for many life lessons. It is not easy to have siblings… we look up to them when they are older and we push them around when they are younger. We are in a constant need for parental attention. The whole mission of my childhood was to get as much love as possible from my parents. I wanted more attention than my sisters. I didn’t know that my mom and dad weren’t the most balanced people in the world and couldn’t fulfill our needs. It didn’t take me long to figure out that they were not happy, still I didn’t know that our family wasn’t perfect.

My folks had come from damaged backgrounds so how could they model a healthy life? None-the-less they were my parents and I loved them. I wanted to be the apple of their eyes especially my mother’s eye. She was demanding, hard and full of self-loathing. She was sick most of my childhood beginning when I was eleven. From that time on her life demanded more attention than anyone else in the family. Although my eldest sister suffered mental instability and exercised very bizarre behavior, (which warranted lots of attention) in the end my mother’s health and mood was first. She was a strong willed and stubborn woman who grew up in Idaho. She was a hard worker and did everything herself. At one point we hired a housekeeper because of my mother’s illness, (she suffered cancer on and off for years till she died), but my mother cleaned far better than our hired help and no one quite understood the point of having her there until one day mommy didn’t have the energy to clean anymore.

It became clear to me that cleanliness warranted accolades so I cleaned and organized cabinets all the time in hopes that my OCD behavior would get noticed and I would get love. Love was any acknowledgment that I had done something and that someone I adored had taken note of it.

My childhood was a mass of misunderstandings and a myriad of unspoken longings. I longed to be able to talk about how I felt to my mom. I wanted to share my fear that I was gawky, not smart enough, and how I felt smart inside just not in the world ie; school, and that I was scared that no one liked me. But my house was too filled with the anxiety of illness, insecurity and the tension of a loveless marriage.

I suppose all the behavior of my sisters and myself were for the same outcome to be noticed to get loved in a home that lacked the definition of what love meant. We were not raised particularly religious which could give a person a sense of love or at least devotion. We went to church on Easter and Christmas and sometimes when my mother was really scared that her cancer was coming back or that one of my sisters may not return from another bender. She prayed when it felt like God was not paying attention to her and she sang in the church (which looked up to the mountains where I daydreamed of being in the trees) totally off key hoping that her cracking pitch-less voice would be heard by God.

I watched my mother with tremendous devotion… there was no one in the world that I loved more than her. Irascible as she was she was beautiful and I could see the daughter in her. When we would visit my grandmother in nearby Twin falls, she became the little girl who longed for her own mother’s love. She was a sister too. She had one sister, and like my two girls and there was love and competition there. You could see a mutual respect between my mother and my aunt but there was a missed connection between them. I mimicked that with my own sisters as well. I was 7 years younger than Margot and 11 years younger than Muffet, so we never got too close.

My mother and Aunt were 13 years apart. In some ways when there is that kind of distance in your youth, you experience two different families. The early family is more hopeful but gets whipped by the challenges of new parenting and the later family is either forgiving, attentive or completely exhausted from a perceived failed first attempt at child rearing. I lived through the latter.

My mother wanted to be a sister but she didn’t really know how. It was the same for me. I loved my sisters and in some ways looked up to them but they were like legends, who came and went from our lives. We were not close because by the time I was old enough to know them they no longer lived at home. Margot went to boarding school and Muffet moved to Paris, learned to cook at Cordon Bleu and pursued her passion for French. I found her to be magical. She was my crazy, beautiful sister who came home every once and a while with hippy clothes long braids and a French accent and she drove zig zags down the highway if I was ever so lucky to have her drive me to school. I knew she was a little “crazy” but she was also incredibly interesting and of course in her madness she was a genius…everything came easily to her.

Margot was less lucky that way but her charm, humor and love of people made her a delight for everyone to be around. She was very funny. We were not close though growing up. I was just old enough to have taken the light away from her and she was demoted to middle child; it made her bitter with me. We competed for love when she was around. Margot looked up to my dad and longed for his focus more than anyone. Still it was my mother that we all wanted to be loved by. She somehow held the key to our self worth.

Muffet was both my parents favorite even though she was so tortured and torturing to their lives much of the time. They loved her intelligence, her ability to cook and speak French and her artistic talents. She was also a tennis progeny. She was their love child and everyone knew it. When she became more challenged mentally you could feel their heartbreak at her not being in the world in the way that they had dreamed she would be. She held so much promise. Promise that Margot nor I could ever hold. I was loved, I am sure but coming so late in their marriage, (I was told that I was a mistake), it felt like I was there to keep the peace, behave and not cause problems. Margot made a spectacle of herself, she was a wild outspoken girl with freedom in her gait. We both tried to find ways we could be noticed.

There is more to tell of my family dynamic. Yet today it makes me think of my own girls as daughters and sisters and what I have given to them. I am sure that the way that I was brought up and why I felt as desperate for love and approval as I did, has to have tainted them. I was careful to give them a kind of love and attention that would make them feel confident in who they are because I never received that. When they were young I know that my own insecurity was so deep that energetically I must have given them a message of perfection and self doubt. Now that I am in my late forties the idea of perfectionism has softened in me.

But being a perfect, strong and loving mother was my drive because it seemed better than what I came from. Yet, much of the time the message that I was modeling was of self-scrutiny. It is not easy to by pass childhood conditioning. I see that my girls are far more confident in the world in a way that I wasn’t and that pleases me. It looks as though they are at ease in their skin in a way that I didn’t feel at their age. I also know that they received a quality of love that was not about performance. I loved them and told them so daily. I also pronounced their astonishing beauty all the time. I think they feel that they are beautiful and loved.

I also see that I have modeled a need for parental love. At some level they must have felt that there was a price for it… They must have thought that there is a certain kind of behavior that provides a better love. In other words the patterns I came from have been repeated albeit they are far less apparent. If I am honest I can see that in my loving them so differently from the way I was mothered was as selfish as my own mother was with me. I wanted them to love me as the best mom in the world…in fact in some ways I put too much pressure on them to find me to be perfect in their eyes. There was no room for them to find fault with me. I admitted to them when I made mistakes but in truth it was always on my terms. That was my need to control, even to control how and when I was not in control and how I would admit it to others when I felt ready. I had my own version of making our family about me. I thought I was balanced in my parenting but I feel now that I was trying to be so distinctly different from my mom that in doing so I was not always honest about how I was truly behaving.

I love being a mom but there were times in the past when it felt hard and that my choices were made from what I knew was right but not what came joyously. I am glad that I at times forced myself to be a “good” mom. I think that it gave my girls stability. What I might change today is the need I had to be right. Maybe I never really got out of the pattern of looking for love the way I did as a child. I tried to get it from my daughters.

My girls are not like all young women, they are different and they can feel their unique place in the world and I think that the way they were brought up gifted them that. I know there are times when they must wonder why they don’t think the way the rest of their peers do. I see patterns in them that are a clear mirror of my own. Could I have changed the way that they are? I am sure that I could have but then I would have known more about myself earlier and frankly self-awareness seems to have revealed itself to me most poignantly in my 40’s. I am changing the outcome of my life now. I think it will affect my girls even though they are grown and living on their own. We are very close.

When I think of the sisterly relationship that I didn’t have I can only hope that my girls will redefine a voice of support for one another. There is an appreciation they had when they were babies. My eldest could tell us exactly what her baby sister was thinking saying and needing without words and they was a shorthand of loving communication that was and is ingrained in their souls. I know that as time goes by they will find their unspoken language again because they were raised to feel each other from across a room.

I was told that when you have children it is absolutely normal for you to love one child more than another and yet I can honestly say that I never felt that way. How could I love one child more than the other when they hold such different ways of showing their uniqueness to the world? It is similar to liking sunlight over moonlight…they are not comparable and both are necessary to the balance of the planet. My girls as daughters and as sisters are sunlight and moonlight and I love them for who they are. I know they will have special insight to one another for the rest of their lives. They will be sisters daughters and possibly mothers someday. They will forge their own way of being that will heal our family even more deeply.

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Greening Yourself

January 14th, 2009

What does it mean to be green? For Kermit the frog it was the mere fact that he was green in color. For me, it means that I eat a lot of green foods and that I love the earth. I adore nature because it informs me how I feel about the world. Nature is my connection to God. Mother nature is the earth and the earth is my home– and that thrills me. But I didn’t get here by thinking green… I got here by becoming aware of who I am inside.  I am ecologically aware because it is the natural place for me to be, because of the path that I have taken towards health and self-awareness.

Does the fact that we buy more “green” products make us more ecologically conscious or does it just mean that we feel better about the fact that some of the “stuff” that we are now buying is recyclable, renewable, and a little less bad for our environment? Perhaps both.Yet, buying more things even if they are green, doesn’t make waste and unconscious behavior towards the planet go away. It just makes us have a better feeling about what we are buying.

How can we become ecologically conscious or aware of our planet? Not only by the kind of goods that we buy, but also by making an effort to buy less because we are aware of the gifts we already have, and our attitude toward ourselves is more important than what we can obtain from the outside. Lessen the carbon footprint and cherish the world we live in.

In becoming truly thoughtful in what we buy we will feed our souls far more than the idea of changing the goods we consume. Don’t get me wrong, I love that there are products in the marketplace that are made and produced with our environment in mind (and we need to support them), but that is not what helps human beings become more mindful of themselves and their environment.

We need a shift in consciousness that guides us towards a loving intention for ourselves first that really speaks to how we as individuals show up in the world. Our economy is making it easier for us to do this anyway. There is less security for many to feel comfortable with the kind of unconscious hoarding of things we engaged in the last 2 to 3 decades.

Instead of focusing on what is happening outside our lives, it feels to me like a time to ask ourselves how do we live on a personal level? How do we affect the immediate environment we live in? How do we feel in our body? The first step to becoming green is to shift our focus from what we are doing on the outside and ask the question how do I occur and feel in my body?  I love to discuss what it means to step into our environment as a conscious person. I like this kind of inquiry because it is what I ask of myself everyday.

The first step towards greening yourself is to inquire about how you feel in your inner self. How do you feel in your day-to-day life? How does your body feel when you take a walk, swim, jog, stretch, or do yoga or any kind of movement? Or have you let yourself fall away from moving your body? When you don’t move your body it is as though you are not tilling the soil of your garden. If you don’t move the soil, oxygenate it, water it and nourish it with the proper nutrients your plants become stagnant and they don’t flourish. So you can see how your first environment is your physical state. Eco-consciousness begins right where you are. Green yourself and then understand that who you are is the first step into becoming aware of the earth you live on.

Your first environment is your body and your awareness of how that feels is based on what you eat, how you move and if you take time for the ritual of observing yourself in Silence. In caring for your body in this way is how you begin to care for you. When you care for you, you are caring for the first and most important environment you have. It is the beginning of self-love. Self-love is self-awareness of how you show up in your world.

I truly believe that if a person becomes attuned to how their body is cared for, the idea of NOT caring for your actual outside environment becomes absurd. When you care for you, then you naturally care for the world you are living in, because that is your home, your temple. If you love who you are then you become an ecologically conscious person because it simply makes sense. It is the natural progression to come from self-awareness to environmental awareness.

When your body thrives energetically by feeding it well with locally grown and organic foods and your home becomes a haven for your creative and personal peace, then it is natural to want to make sure the bigger environment is cared for.  It is making choices that serve your humanity. You then want to visit farmers markets, you want to recycle and consume less because buying more holds little interest for you anymore. What you already have becomes sacred, especially your time. It becomes uninteresting to you to waste time searching for things that don’t love you the way you can love yourself.

When a person is engaged in the solace and beauty in their lives they are less likely to want to buy things mindlessly. I have had periods in my life when shopping was a way to get outside myself, to distract from the places where I didn’t feel good about who I was. If I bought something whether clothes, gadgets, or whatever, I was distracted from the reality of how I was feeling inside. I like to shop, my goodness I am healthy woman, but it is not something that I do obsessively any longer. I do it as fun or necessary and I do it with joy, not as a way to fill up a hole inside where I don’t feel complete.

When I began to feel better about the me that I am, I began to need fewer things. I am feeling so much more in tune with a greater consumption of self-acceptance that I don’t need more stuff – green or otherwise – to enhance who I am. As I am on the journey of my own self-acceptance, I am becoming more loving of everyone and everything around me. It is cliché, but it is said that you can’t love until you find love of self first, and it is true for me.

After you become aware of your body then you can’t help but become aware of your work, habits and home. When you are at work, are you at ease? How do you feel in your home, in your personal sacred space? Or does it even feel sacred at all? What does your bedroom feel like? Is it a peaceful place of rest or is it a place that has lost all definition and you don’t even know why you sleep there?  Is it too hard to get past the piled books, clothes, and things that disguise it? Is it a place for lovemaking, sleep, and meditation or has it become your office, your TV room or your storage bin? Is your kitchen a place that one wants to hang out in because the food and smells that come from it invite family closeness and a sense of comfort and well-being?

These are the questions to ask yourself about your personal environment. Get in tune with how you feel here in your life, in your body, and then you will have an easeful segue-way into the world and be naturally eco conscious.

When you make a choice to change your home you want it to reflect who you are, then you will buy necessary products that are healthy. You will want to use non toxic paints and carpets and you will think ‘wow If I change my kitchen countertops I might want to use a wood that is from trees that fell naturally in the forest’. You may want to put solar panels on your roof because you care that your home is filled with clean pure air and energy that serves this incredible being that you are.

Becoming “green” and environmentally aware is about loving yourself and then wanting your body to be housed gloriously in a healthy environment. And of course that means you become a better spouse, parent, and partner, because you more able to care for others through the conscious choices you are making for yourself.

And of course this leads you to being aware of the desire for a healthier planet…hence you have become an ecologically conscious and GREEN human Being!

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My New Life

December 7th, 2008

In May I separated from my husband of 24 years and my life has shifted into a place of humility and transition. I chose to change my life. It was a difficult decision because having a long-term relationship in the world I live in is such a badge of honor. No one stays together for very long when you are in the entertainment world. I loved that I could say that I was the person who had a “real” relationship and life with a husband that was forever and that I was dealing with the realities of marriage and family.  And I did and we did. We both worked hard to stay together and we dealt with challenging issues that brought us closer as friends and parents. My husband went through terminal cancer twice and both times came out of it better than before. And yet that journey which made us stronger also frayed the fabric of our bond. I am not sure why but there is something about going through a life threatening situation that brings you to your knees as the patient as well as the care giver and it changes the shape of a marriage. Sometimes it can bring you to a place of un-thwarted union or catapult you into a place where you are driven to find your independence.  The latter is what happened for me.  Because of his illness we became bonded at a level no one could understand unless they had had that experience as well but it also weakened us as a couple. It is as though we both needed space to breath more easily and become our true self afterwards. We have always loved one another. Still we needed to be on our own to feel the change of whom we had grown into. My husband and I had become friends a long time ago and although friendship is a beautiful place to grow in relationship it is also a place where stasis can become the norm. You don’t push against a partner when your life isn’t being challenged in the areas of passion and creation. We had long since lost our tenacity to push into each other to become bigger as individuals. We were so worried about not rocking the boat of stress (stress being a huge detriment to cancer patients) we tread lightly in our world.

I am happy that I was married for as long as I was because my husband and I had such mutual love and respect for each other it enabled us to parent with focus and devotion. I was thrilled to have given our girls a stability that I had never experienced as a child.

So the end of our marriage came and the beginning of Mariel as a middle-aged woman (I use the term with tremendous honoring of having earned the title) in the world alone has been born. Now I have to care for all the dirty little details of life on my own. I met my husband at 22 and I was quick to let him take over my practical world. He made it easy for me to be a mom and an actress and I didn’t have to deal with finances or things that required me to be diligent in regard to my career. I allowed my very bright husband to take care of things that I just never really wanted to bother with; that was one of his gifts to me. Now I am a watching an economy fall apart and it has directly affected me. I have had to sell my house for half of what it was valued at a mere 6 months ago. (The good news I was able to sell it, which is rare, and I am thankful) I have taken on my investments and realized I lost most of them.

I started on my own 8 months ago with almost nothing. That is not an exaggeration. I nearly lost it all not because it was taken from me but because the nature of what is happening in the world and more succinctly it was exactly what I needed to become self responsible.  I had no choice. That said it has been the most exciting and terrifying experience ever. I feel liberated and an empowerment that I have not felt as a woman before. It is funny because I have played lawyers, secret service agents, doctors and women of power as an actress but I had never experienced that power in my own life until now. I am feeling the energy that comes with taking full responsibility. I have started a business which I am in the process of making real and that holds a plethora of challenges that are new to me and I am walking through them with eyes wide open and an naivety that is humbling.

My daughters are grown up now but they still have needs like little girls. One lives in New York and is a stunning model/actress and my youngest is a star student (stunning as well) at art school here in LA. They were both deeply affected by my separation. One knew it was coming and has handled it with maturity. My other daughter felt that her world had been torn apart at the seams. There was a point at which she felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest (her words to me exactly) and that her very foundation had crumbled. Our family was everything to her, she saw nothing that she felt was worth leaving our life for and from her point of view I could understand her pain. What was hard was to hold her and love her through her journey of acceptance while standing my ground knowing that what was happening was going to benefit everyone in the long run.

Since it is all still new the journey is in process and every day gets us closer to a place where she can take it in and where she can’t help but embrace her mother’s newly found ease and joy. As children we know nothing more than what we have grown up with so we think that that is the definition of happiness and safety but as she experiences her own freedom she is seeing the beauty of my individuation. And of course she is mirroring it in herself, as that is what happens at 19.

The curious part of my story is that I have fallen in love. It was not what I had expected nor even wanted. I had envisioned that I would be single for years while I built up a business and discovered myself in solitude. I even imagined that I could become a renuncient. Thank God that was my imagination as I find the excitement of loving exquisite. What has happened has been extraordinary because of the ability to be me in a new place with my partner. I had been married for so long that I had habits that were ingrained in me that defined my actions and made me who I thought I was. I thought that I was weaker, less capable and I was apologetic of my very existence. That was a survival technique that I used as a child, which I carried into my life.

I remember there was a time when I was in grade school and the “cool” kids whom I longed to be accepted by used to say that I was “okay” but they really didn’t like hanging out with me because I laughed all the time at everything. It was mortifying. I laughed in embarrassment at nothing. I laughed at what others said when it wasn’t funny. I laughed following every single sentence that I spoke. I laughed hoping that no one would realize how scared I was that no one would like me. I was a walking bundle of self-hatred. I tried desperately not to giggle all the time but I was helpless to my lack of confidence. There are reasons that this happened for me largely due to a home full of addictions abuse and horrible communication. Still it was my family and I thought it was wonderful because it was mine.

This laughing had been a part of me forever…I know that part of the reason I have been quietly apologizing for being here is because I had lost so many family members, in particular two sisters one from suicide and one who is alive but suffers such deep mental illness she is not really in this world.  I apologized for the fact that I was allowed to live and they were not…why was I given such a beautiful life? I had a lifetime of feeling that I must pay a price for love, joy and ease. I had always believed that happiness was given but the payment was pain. It made me not want joy for fear of the backlash. Consequently I suffered times of deep depression and isolation. Even though I was in my marriage I became a recluse.

Now I am in a relationship with someone so honoring of me being me I am in awe of him. He wants me to love myself, be strong inside and feel the depth of my beauty, which he assures me is there. He wants me to feel the elegance of my femininity and the grace and softness that he sees in me. He has been a catalyst to my “becoming” me and that becoming is a daily adventure into the unknown. So what do I know at the end of 2008? I know that I am a person of courage to face demons about where I come from, who I am and what I want to see changed in myself. I embrace my journey because I have felt more love in the last months than I have ever felt before in my life.

As the holiday approaches I bow to what I am grateful for. I am deeply grateful for the past that has brought me right to here. I am deeply grateful for my courage. I am deeply grateful to my best friend who is my spiritual guide and inspiration. I am deeply grateful to all my friends who are my teachers. I am deeply grateful for my partner who sees me and who shares his extraordinary human depth with me. I am deeply grateful to my partner too for allowing me to love him without condition and to feel loved by him beyond my imagination. I am deeply grateful to my daughters for their strength of character to address what scares them most. I am deeply grateful to my ex husband for his loving me in the face of his world falling apart. I am deeply grateful to the community that I know and don’t know who will step up to their own life struggles and bow humbly to a greater guidance. I am awed and deeply grateful by how we all work so determinedly to be better human beings everyday.

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